Tag Archives: crazy

Brinn’s 5th Birth Day.

Brinn is pretty much one of the worst eaters ever. She is still only 33 lbs at 5yrs old, but is taller than most of her friends. My mom spends a lot of time lecturing her, us, or anyone who will listen about how she thinks we could make Brinn a better eater. uh huh.

Everything we did for her on her birthday revolved around stuffing her face with her favorite eats, I took the day off of work to participate and document (or you know, stuff my face).

My mom recently introduced the kids to IHOP, so of course she wanted to go there for breakfast. Brinn grabbed the kid menu and picked out the cute, silly, girly face pancakes. At least the picture on the menu looked cute…

Once I took the gooey strawberry eyes off her cakes it looked more like this:

and then this goober had to order the same thing- the picture looked like it was fresh strawberry eyes which would be easy to pick off. Bloody strawberry sauce eyes, now Shaye can’t eat half of her fricken pancakes or her skin will look worse than the bloody eyed pancake.

Side note- their simple and fit veggie omelette is freakin’ awesome.

We were running around in the southpark area later that day and took Brinn to her favorite place for dinner- Maggianos. Girlfriend can put on a serious eating clinic with their spaghetti and meatballs.

Our server brought her a dish of birthday cookies and lit a candle for her, she was pumped.

Now no story would be complete without a touch of crazy, so here’s the crazy of the day.

As everyone knows, Brinn is a Super Mario addict. Doesn’t just love it, she L O V E S is. She talks about the characters like they are her friends. She has a stuffed Toad that goes everywhere with her, even her preschool teachers were well acquainted with him coming to class for visits. Well, her new thing is trying to find a Toadette. Toadette is the pink, girl version with Heidi-like braids.

You know how there is always that kiosk in the mall covered in crap to make your kid pitch a fit walking by, so you’ll buy something to shut them up? Well, I remembered seeing some Mario junk on it once so we went to check it out. Brinn and Shaye were flipping out, picking them all up and hugging them, when a woman waiting on her little darling approached me.

“what is that?” (brinn was holding a Yoshi)

“It’s Yoshi from Super Mario Brothers.”

“UGH, my child will NEVER play those games!”

Um ok. I just shrugged her off and smiled.

Brinn was trying to decide between pink or yellow.

Batshit crazy stepped forward, touched my arm, stares into my face and sternly replied “NO! She will NOT play those games, no video games!!!”

I’m clearly an idiot magnet, I have a nack at being approached by some of their weirdest people. I just smiled, nodded and replied,

“That’s SO nice. I also really DON’T care.”

Like I slapped her she backed up, spun around and stormed off with her kid.

And birthday girl ended up with both yoshis.

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I had an OMG moment at Walmart while holding a deviled egg carrier.

OMG, as in, I better watch my ass before someone stuffs me with batteries and I’m an Officially Manufactured Gynoid.

See, our church was having a family sock hop, and since I’m Catholic, it’s believed by some that as long as I christen the babies, donate the cash and participate in holiday bake sales, I’m good to go. So I volunteered to make deviled eggs, even though I don’t attend that stuff.
We were kinda busy hitting the bar with friends for karaoke & cocktails.
Shit! I just realized I made DEVILed eggs for church. That can’t be good.

Anyway, deviled eggs are one of those things that you love or hate. Sure they can give you a wicked case of deadly, room-clearing farts. But if you like eggs, you probably like a good deviled one. Or at least you might if you tried mine.
To make these incredible edible deviled eggs, you need to start with these 3 things. The yellow food coloring is optional, but it will make your egg filling look a lot better. I don’t use blah yellow mustard, so I need to brighten things up.
Egg Assembly.
Please, always pipe the filling back into the egg. When someone slaps a spoonful of goop into a boring egg white, it often looks pretty stinking unappetizing (pun intended). It’s easy to spot a person that hates eggs at a party when they see a sloppy, drippy yellow mass and gag. So make it look appealing, even the egg haters will thank you.
Dress it up.
My family always makes a pretty deviled egg, even if you don’t love what is on top, it might LOOK really good. And it’s weird but most things actually taste okay on a deviled egg.
See this egg? It’s dressed to impress with caviar. Yeah, pretty damn special, isn’t it?
What’s great is the fact that even the most annoying snobbish family member can appreciate this high class egg. They don’t need to know it’s just a $10 jar of lumpfish. ;)
I love capers, you could mix them into the filling, but I think it overwhelms the flavor too much.
For generations people have been loving on these tasty little stink-bombs.
So if these are a staple in your home, you should probably thank your Grandma.
And, even though I now own multiple deviled egg carriers, and a few deviled egg trays and platters- I haven’t officially become a boring complacent housewife. I’m still a raging, complaining, bitchy one.
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Another friend post. Because I want the good ones to know they’re great. And not just because they give me presents.

Yep. A Plastic Surgery Piggy Bank to start a Nip/Tuck Fund.

Because I’m going to be 35 this year.

Just typing out that number sends a chill up my spine, followed by a hot flash. I am going to be finished with the first half, the younger half, of my 30s this year?

Lucky for Jill who gave this to me, she’s also turning 35 this year so I think this is probably the most courteous and thoughtful gift EVER.

My body is like a war zone.

I’ve had 4 kids that were *gasp* breastfed.

And those kids were born over the course of 15 years, so while the body does tend to snap back after a break, it’s still never the same each time. Not even close.

When I was pregnant with Brinn (number 3), Maeve walked into my bathroom one morning while I was getting dressed and asked me,“mommy, why did your butt fall down?”

And it did. It fell and it never got back up.



How about the freckles. I remember that same complimentary child saying to me about a year ago, “I’m so glad I don’t have freckles like you.” Honestly I get it, because never ever did I think freckles on my face were cute. As a teen I would lay out to get a tan (burn is more like it) to even things out and the more I laid in the sun the more freckles I got and as I got older the freckles started to connect and now my skin just looks old and splotchy.

Veins. And wrinkles? I don’t even want to talk about those.



So I have this cute little piggy bank sitting in my kitchen and so far, I think there are 3 quarters in it.



When it gets time for you to have your first face lift, you probably won’t

want to do it yourself. You might consider calling in a professional. And that’s

gonna cost a pretty penny. Whether it’s a thinner nose you’re after, or a bit

trimmed off the waist, you’ll need to invest in an Eternal Beauty Savings Plan.

Each coin you put aside will bring you that one step closer to

perfection.

No one’s saying it’s against the law to be ugly.

But it should be.

http://www.blueq.com/

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Sometimes while stirring pots, the paranoid tend freak out.

Yesterday after I posted my “friends, not really” post, I received a bunch of emails, texts, and comments.

So now I say this to you, people who read this blog and thought it might be you- it probably wasn’t, or isn’t you. Especially if you contacted me. Because the couple of people it was aimed at most certainly don’t give a flying shit about it, and definitely wouldn’t try to clarify if it was about them. Because we aren’t really friends, so they didn’t and wouldn’t really care.
So if you care that it’s you, you’re already out of the running.

But really, I have to post what is now the funniest response I’ve gotten yet, with permission from said friend as long as I don’t link any personal info, blogs, or mention if she’s famous. Or not.

So without further ado…what will probably my most favorite email ever.


Okay, so I’m flipping through my RSS reader and was catching up on your
blog – I really hope your “We’re friends but not really” entry wasn’t aimed at
me. If it was, I’m so sorry I’ve given you the impression I don’t care about
being friends with you or somehow don’t like you. Dude, you totally rock. That’s
like the last thing I’d ever think. The God’s honest truth is, I just SUCK at
being friends. Period. After years of being The Overbearing Friend/The Hanger
On, I’m always paranoid of becoming that person again, so I tend to take it way
too far the other way.

If it *wasn’t* aimed at me, then HI.
I just plastered my neuroses all over your Inbox.
If that doesn’t say friend, I don’t know what does.
We need a drink.

She said I rock. Yep, it’s the best email ever. And THAT is only one reason she and I are friends. I like my friends crazy on the inside, and honest on the out.

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American Express Can Kiss My Ass.

This year, we decided to refinance our mortgage because the rates were crazy low. We locked in around 4.25%, pretty unbelievable.
Well, when the mortgage broker did my credit check we noticed that my credit score was stagnant. Not shocking considering I don’t have a job. But after watching the Almighty “Oprah”, Suze Orman left me with the idea that I should get a CREDIT CARD because how else am I going to affect my credit positively than to apply for some?
I got a low interest, low credit line American Express card. For 2 years I used it for plane tickets or gas in the car, nothing big or import, but I earned the reward miles.
So, last month I *GASP* missed a payment, I caught it six days late. I hopped online and called the company, because while I understand I will now have to pay a late fee, I am worried they might report me to the credit bureau! Shit, right? The girl on the phone reassures me that won’t happen, but I still have the late fee. No problem.
2 days later…I just got a letter in the mail that makes me want to slap the shit out of someone at the company. It goes a little something like this….

“Dear Heather,
We have always wanted you to clearly understand both the benefits and the responsibilities of Cardmembership with AE….. That is why today we are writing to let you know that your interest rate will increase to the penalty Annual Percentage Rate….27.24%”
Are you effing kidding me?
I called, cancelled the account and will pay it off because I don’t need it. But not before giving the chick a piece of my mind, that I will pay off my bill, but that American Express is a DISGUSTING institution that is monetarily raping people. And I hung up.
Fuck you, American Express. And fuck you, Suze Orman.
I found out that just having a credit card in my name and no job brought my credit score down a mere EIGHTY points.

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