Easter is a holiday I don’t really enjoy, and this has nothing to do with religion.

5 years ago today was the worst day of my life as I held my 10 month old and was sure she was going to die. We were never given answers as to what happened, or why.

Easter 2007, Brinn was 10 months old. Other than showing signs of a cold and low grade fever, she was fine. I was still nursing at the time, and I thought she fell asleep in my arms. I looked down, and my baby was blue. No breathing. No life. The only thing I clearly remember was the screaming, the panic, and running out of the house to find someone who might know CPR.

Seconds were like hours. By the time my neighbor had her in the grass performing CPR on her, I was sure it was too late. I could hear the ambulance coming and it was unable to locate us. 5 years later, that is still a sound that sends violent waves of nausea through me every time I hear them. As the ambulance pulled up, something incredible happened. She had what looked like a seizure, and started gasping.

5 days in Levine’s hospital- multiple spinal taps, MRIs, EEGS, IV drips and tests with names I’ll never be able to pronounce nor do I care remember, we had no answers.

Three months later at her one year check up, her shots sent her into multiple grand mal seizures. Every fever thereafter caused seizures- it didn’t matter if her fever was 99 or 105. Then her eye started crossing.

Since she turned three we’ve been seizure free, although she suffers from Strabismus and Amblyopia in her eye which is most likely related. (That’s okay, she looks great in her glasses.) So while most people are celebrating a certain rising today, I’m celebrating a very personal and selfish one for myself.