New Year’s Eve I went to bed at 9:30pm. The kids were in bed, Bob was hanging out with his dad, and I was upstairs having a panic attack.

First and foremost, I quit smoking. I’m not a big chain smoker, it’s just a crutch for dealing with stress. My kids don’t even know I do it, because I hide it. I don’t smoke everyday, but some days I will smoke 5 or 6 cigarettes in an hour. I was on my way to Hobby Lobby when I took the cigarette, threw it out the window and decided I was done. I haven’t craved them once since, and that was one month ago. But I noticed an increase in anxiety attacks, so maybe that’s my withdrawal symptom. All I know is that I’m lucky I don’t miss them.

Which leads me to focusing on these insane anxiety ridden panic attacks. I don’t know why I stress out, because I’ve found a decent balance between work and home. Although I still suck at making dinner, and I miss how much I loved to cook. Does that even make sense? And I never make time for myself. My hair is a wreck. I haven’t bought anything nice or pretty for myself in a long time. Most days, I look like a homeless person in a butcher’s apron.

Either way, I’ve been laying awake at night anxious, for one major reason.

I’m bored.

Yes, I’m crazy for saying that with four kids, a husband, and a business. But I’ve been feeling stifled and restless. What I’m doing is not enough.

For years I’ve had ideas pop in and out of my head at night. If I had been really smart, I would’ve left a notepad next to the bed to write them all down. Maybe I’d be really wealthy and feel complete by now. Or not. All I know is that while running on my treadmill (because the gym is a one way trip to HELL for me) I came up with an idea. It’s an idea that is nuts, and grandiose, maybe ridiculous, but my brain is consumed with it. Here I am at 2am reading, researching, scanning, looking….and now purging some of this psychotic energy into a post. My first personal post since falling into a rut of monotony.

I have an idea, and need to figure out how to turn the idea into reality.

This is how I’m starting 2012.

 Totally and completely manic.